You must install
an anti-virus or your car will eventually break down when you drive on some
streets. It’s just a matter of time
In 2011, we
were showered with articles, tweets and blog posts about security, what with
the discovery of Mac viruses and the theft of information on Sony PlayStation’s
network. Well, that’s a common issue in the PC world.
That ‘first
Mac virus’ – actually disguised as an anti-virus – had this really
astonishing Apple-like look and actually asked for your authorization in order
to install! Very polite, indeed! And you, PC user, all too familiar with the
kind of virus that is only detected when your HD is already terminally ill,
when nobody answers your emails because they go straight to your friends’ spam,
or when you realize that your friends have blocked you from all instant
messaging services.
Your virus is
weak and impolite. If you want to real thing, come
deal with ours!
Throughout
2011, it was so ‘cool’ that many people installed it just to tell their friends
about the thrilling news! A number of nerds (including your’s truly) have
mentioned that they hadn’t had so much fun since CERN activated the Large
Hadron Collider! As a matter of fact, there should be an episode of The Big
Bang Theory dedicated to this.
We’re just
being merciful, after all, our dear old PC user friends should be allowed a bit
of fun and mockery.
At the time I
kept thinking that Apple would give us some kind of warning:
‘Dear user,
please do not install anything virus-related. Trust us.’
Another irony
is that some Mac newbie would immediately allow the installation of something
he didn’t really ask for. Something akin to a poetic last
goodbye to the PC dimension.
Here’s a
contribution of new and interesting warnings for a clueless:
‘Hey, are you
kidding? An anti-virus? Are you new here?’
Or
‘Anti-virus? To
proceed, purchase a PC.’
Notice that
Apple ended up ‘tap dancing’ on the competition (yet again), showing
that the mere existence of a software category called ‘anti-virus’ is
already a joke. How come you have a operating system
that demands some kind of protection just to run? ‘Theoretically’, it
would be like giving a brain to silicon crumbs
Ok, not
impressed so far? Let’s talk cars then: you buy a car and before turning it on,
the salesperson kindly warns you, ‘You must install an anti-virus or your
car will eventually break down when you drive on some streets. It’s just a
matter of time.’ There’s something else: installing the anti-virus will
reduce your horse-power from 140 to 57 (just like fast skating), and increase
fuel consumption from 3m/s to something around 0.5m/s (below the average
alcohol intake of Charlie Sheen, for instance), and so on and so forth. And
we’re not talking about car alarms or insurance; we’re talking about basic
features that can mess up simple things like reading e-mails or visiting a
website.
You see now
why they called your ancient PC Core 2 Duo? That’s no redundancy – it’s two for
you and your PC and two for the anti-virus.
We Mac users
do not really recall the PC times and ‘utter virus terrorism’. We browse the
web and click on any link we want, we do not distrust attachments sent by out
own mothers, we try out a new app without running a quick anti-virus. Most of
us have had the sad experience of losing documents, spreadsheets, emails
childhood photos and credit card into before turning to dearest Mac. And then
it’s for life.
Speaking of
marketing: Do you want to show company incompetence? Use the motto: ‘Always
blame someone else’. Call HP, Dell or any other computer company and
complain about a virus. They’ll certainly respond that it’s the user’s fault or
you have a weak anti-virus. Call the anti-virus company and they’ll tell you
that the problem is Windows. Then you call Microsoft and they’ll tell you it’s
the manufacture… All I can say is that whoever has gone through such limbo will
think twice (three, four, five times…) before purchasing something from the
same brand if there’s a similar choice within the same price range.
Not that Apple
itself takes full responsibility for all defective products that eventually
reach the shelves, but it’s undoubtedly above average. And let’s face it; it’s
what each and every company should do.
We saw that
Apple responded to the ‘threat’ by updating its OS X security only 8 hours
after the virus variant showed. 12 hours later and Apple had already launched
another security update, without even bothering its users. Daily updates by our
friends in Cupertino and all the threats that plague the life of PC users
vanish into thin air. That’s not magic, that’s competence.
Expelliarmus! Expecto Patronum!
Apple, hear me
out: We nerds had a thoroughly amusing 2011 filled with social interaction
while chatting about our threatened Macs, about the emotion, the risks, the
sensation, the danger! And then you came along and with a simple 2Mb upgrade
and ruined our roller-coasting thrill! And now we’re stuck with ‘Oh, my
operating system is already virus-free and updating every 24 hours’.
The boredom of
the safest operating system in the world is back, and we didn’t even have to
restart our Macs!
And now it’s
back to the Comics Store…
