Don’t stop the wheel, we don’t want to
get off
There are two groups of people who hate
Apple product launches, no matter how exciting the new Mac or mobile device
that’s had its dust sheets whipped from over it as it’s revealed to an adoring
public for the first time. Both are engaged in the process of guessing what
Apple will do next, and spend the weeks and days prior to keynote speeches
spinning like hamsters on a Red Bull and Mars bar diet (1).
There
are two groups of people who hate Apple product launches
Analysts – for they are one of the groups –
will tell you that the work they do is vastly different from and more important
than that of the gossip and rumour-mongers – the other group. But really the
only difference is that they employ more jargon to hide the fact that their
‘research notes’ are based on little more than guesswork.
When launch day arrives, suddenly there’s
nothing more to spin, so they set their sights on a new target, or in this case
an old and mostly forgotten one. AppleInsider has a fine example: ‘Analyst
Brian White said in a note to investors on Tuesday that he has continued to
hear on his trip to Taiwan that Apple plans to launch a so-called “iPad mini”
this September. White began to sound the drum for a September release on
Monday, when he revealed that supply chain sources indicated Apple is gearing
up for what could prove to be an “exciting” month.’
“iPad
mini”
Now, forgive us our cynicism, but since
Apple traditionally updates the iPod range and introduces a new iPhone and iOS
range and introduces a new iPhone and iOS release in September, calling it an
‘exciting month’ doesn’t make you Mostradamus. But back to AppleInsider:
‘White said on Tuesday that he thinks a
smaller iPad would expand Apple’s addressable market opportunity. By offering a
new iPad at a lower price point, it would attract more price sensitive
customers, and also offer an alternative for those who want a smaller tablet.’
See what we mean about jargon? All he actually said there was that a smaller,
cheaper iPad could sell to users who wanted a smaller, cheaper iPad.
‘In particular, White believes that schools
under budget constraints who cannot afford the current entry-level $399 iPad 2
might show interest in a smaller iPad. He also believes that some students
might prefer to carry around a smaller and lighter iPad for classes.’
iPad
2
Yep, the iPad is just too darn heavy for
young people these days. We’ve always thought that was a major flaw in its
design. Often parents will try to foist their iPad on a youngster, only to be
met with cries of ‘You can’t make me! I hate that heavy thing.’
White isn’t the only one plying this iPad
mini Schtick. According to AppleInsider, ‘Data from Change Wave Research showed
that 14% of North American consumers (2) looking to buy a tablet would be
“somewhat likely” to purchase a smaller iPad, while 3 percent indicated they
are “very likely”.’
Don’t
stop the wheel, we don’t want to get off
Someone spent money conducting research on
the potential popularity of a purely imaginary product. We’ll give the final
word to Change Wave’s director of research, Dr. Paul Carton: ‘At the moment,
the greatest competitive threat to the new iPad could well be the iPad mini –
which doesn’t exist yet, but even if it does, it too will be made by Apple.’
And, um, if it doesn’t, it won’t.
Remote chance
There are people – we’re looking at you,
Gene Munster – who are convinced Apple is making a television set. Oblivious to
the fact that there’s as much money to be made hawking TVs (3) as investing in
Spanish government bonds, they now take it for granted that we believe in it
and have moved on to describing its features. As MacRumors recently reported:
‘White [yes, Brianagain – he had to pay for
that trip to Computex somehow] believes the Apple television set will adopt
several methods of interaction, most significantly including motion detection
[but] will still include a remote control, which will arrive as a iPad-like
touchscreen device.’
the
Apple television
Just what you’ve always wanted a TV with
several different methods of interaction. In White’s own words (jargon alert!)
‘the data points during our trip indicate the Company will use a special type
of motion detection technology… Also, our contacts indicate a unique remote
control with a touch panel form factor.’ What, so Siri? But, but, but we were
promised a Siri TV!
Still, at least a remote control the size
of an iPad won’t disappear down the sofa.
The modern Stone Age SP
We’ve always liked Apple senior vice
president of Worldwide marketing Philip W Schiller, or Barney (4), as he’s
affectionately known, die to his uncanny resemblance to a certain Flintstones
character. He’s the friendly face to Apple. (Although his minders aren’t always
quite as friendly, as Channel 4 New’s Benjamin Cohen found out when he tried to
ask Schiller a question that wasn’t in Apple’s script: you can see the results
at youtube.com/watch?v=44w-RYurbN4.)
But Barney – or Deputy Dawg (5), as we also
refer to him around MacUser towers, in an affectionate kind of way – is much
more than just the comedy turn at Apple keynotes. He’s critical to the
company’s future, according to Bloomberg Businessweek. The august US news
magazine, formerly not-Bloomberg Businessweek, recently opined:
‘Since Jobs’s death in October, perhaps no
Apple executive other than CEO Tim Cook is under more pressure to fill the
void… Schiller has the daunting task of keeping Apple cool.’ Now, Dirty Laundry
could think of many tasks that are more daunting than that, but we get the
drift. And Schiller’s significance has not gone unnoticed within Apple, it
seems. Businessweek reveals that he has more than one nickname inside Infinite
Loop. ‘Schiller channeled Jobs’ perspective so consistently that he was known
within Apple as Mini-Me. He found the nickname flattering and kept a cutout of
the Austin Powers character in his office.
‘Like Jobs, he is ruthlessly disciplined
[in] choosing new products or features, which has yielded another nickname: Dr.
No (6), for his penchant to shoot down ideas, according to one former manager.’
Remote
chance - The modern Stone Age SP
Mini-Me? Doctor No? Maybe he’s not the nice
guy we thought he was. Either way, we have a lot to thanks him for. As
Businessweek says: ‘It was Schiller, who came up with the spin-wheel interface
on the original iPod, and he was a champion of the iPad when other executives
questioned its potential.’ Wonder what he thinks about a Mini one?
